Wednesday 6 July 2016

Ramadan Fast: Why Has the Moon Failed to Appear?

Tonygists attempts to give a narrative of the intrigues of the missing moon which has been a subject of trolls on social media. 

''My brother, I still don't understand why the moon has chosen to do this to us after 30 good days of fasting and praying''

''What has the moon done again now? I have observed you Nigerians keep complaining about virtually everything - both necessary and unnecessary''

"Are you not aware that we Muslims could continue the Ramadan fast for the rest of our lives if the moon fails to show up?''

''It’s a lie, where did you hear that from?

"Ask me again. From social media of course. Why has the moon decided to hide during President Muhammadu Buhari's administration of change''

''You see! This is what I don't like about hoi polloi like you. How dare you bring Buhari into this issue that has to do with geography''

''You will not blame me. Since Buhari became President, everything has changed, even nature has changed but all in a negative way. In fact, a top source in the presidency said the Ramadan fast just like the elections organized by INEC under Buhari is set to be declared inconclusive''

''You can't be serious!''

''Sit down there in your shop filled with goods of highly inflated prices''

''Please don't ever insult my business. What will you say about the increment in the tariff of darkness; sorry I mean electricity and also price of fuel? It’s not my fault oh''

''Hmmmm! What do I expect you to say? See I was even told that Buhari could extend the public holiday from 7th to whenever the moon appears''

''That is a lie. I trust the Christian Association of Nigeria to kick against that. You have to leave my shop now''

''Okay, I am sorry if I have offended you. Truthfully, I don't want the Ramadan fast to end soon''

''Oh no! How can you be so dumb like this? Do you think it’s fun to fast? Do you want to shake heavens with your endless prayers?''

''My brother, see I will to lie to you; I didn't participate in the Ramadan fast for any religious reason. I only joined from an economic point of view and I have made it mandatory for my wife and 6 children''

''I don't understand what you mean by joining for an economic reason. Is Buhari sharing fasting incentives again?''

''See there is no food in the land. I joined to stay alive. Right now my wife and children have no reason to ask me for big feeding money. Now I can sleep well at night since our economy suffered a meltdown like Coldstone's ice-cream''

''Hahahahahaaa! You are very crazy. The fact is that with or without Ramadan, Nigerians have been fasting since the beginning of this year, 2016''

''Did you drink anything alcoholic? What nonsense are you uttering from your smelling mouth?''

''Look at you; we have all been fasting directly or indirectly regardless of our faith because there is virtually limited food to eat. Prices of foodstuffs are now as high as a malaria patient's temperature. Oh! I miss PDP's corruption, it was a blessing''

''You just made a good point. I think the moon is doing us a favour by hiding so as to cut the feeding expenses of the masses. That's the survival strategy oh!''

''Before nko, you know in Nigeria, we never die but multiply. We have an amazing mental strength. We survived Buhari's reign in 1983 to 1985, we will also survive this current dispensation from 2015 to 2019''

''See in case the moon shows up tomorrow and you have no food, kindly use one of your six children as collateral security to secure foodstuffs at the market place. In fact, I will nominate your last child for the task; remember you said you doubt the boy's paternity''

''May thunder strike you dead for saying that! I swear the thunder that will strike you will come with a 20% discount and freebies.
Your grey hair is a symbol of stupidity and ashes instead of wisdom. Things haven't gotten that bad in Nigeria. That is mere exaggeration. No family will ever do that''

''Mumu! Did you say no family can ever do that? A man in Kano, northern part of Nigeria used his son to acquire a 50kg bag of rice at the market under the guise that he was going to fetch the money which he forgot at home. By the time the seller traced him to his house, his family was feasting desperately on a big bowl of rice''

''Eledumare oh! Northerners are wicked oh! I know a Yoruba person will never try such''

''You are so myopic. Nigerians have a way of 'tribalizing' everything except sharing of slush funds. Haven't you read about the family in Ibadan, Oyo state that dropped their child in exchange for cassava flakes also known as garri?''

''Rara oh! This Buhari's change seems to be your return after a business transaction with the devil''

"I think the only good thing about our current economy is the British accent of the Finance Minister, Kemi Adeosun. That woman speaks good English''

''Who her good English help? The Central Bank of Nigeria is so confused. They floated the naira knowing fully well that our currency can't swim, now it has drowned in the waves of the economic pool''

"You are such an illiterate. I am sure you are one of those that only read news headlines and ignore the body of the reports''

''Leave me alone jor. Who cares about economic principles? I just want to have food on my table. Is that too much to ask for?  Buhari's government so far is favouring the lawyers alone. Too high profile cases with 80 legal personnel representing some people in court. Even Buhari hired 13 SANs and 10 other counsel to defend his mysterious school certificate''

''You just spoke my mind. Too many money-grabbing lawyers and judges have been interpreting the law upside down especially the immunity clause for state governors and the president''

''In fact, I am thinking of opening a law chamber even if it’s under a mango tree or a kiosk to see if one politician will award a 'kwaraption' case to me''

''Hahahahahaaa! Listen to yourself. This hardship is beginning to cause you a mental problem''

''You will not blame me my brother. I have to survive and provide for my family. My children are at home without jobs with several government ministries recruiting the children of the connected people secretly''

''Mind the way you talk oh! These walls have ears. You just open your mouth to talk anyhow. You have failed to learn from Femi Fani Kayode's incarceration for about two good months at the VIP wing of the EFCC's cell. Fani Kayode even boasted Buhari could do him nothing with bible verses to boost his morale"

"Choi! I feel for that his beautiful fiancee, Precious Chikwendu. She must have been lonely for long, Its not easy for anybody especially during this cold weather''

''Shut up! You womaniser!! You always complain about the hard economy but yet you have refused to cut down the number of girlfriends you have. That's corruption against your wife and kids oh! If Baba catch you ehn?
Truthfully, that Precious is fresh oh. That her skin na mammy-water own''

"Now you are talking. If I were the Chairman of EFCC, Ibrahim Magu, I would have confiscated Precious. I can bet my life she was acquired with slush funds. With that, he will gain more public trust and support''

"This country is such a dry joke. That reminds me; I learned the Minister of State for Petroleum, Ibe Kachikwu has been sacked as the General Managing Director of the Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation with a northerner as replacement''

''You are an illiterate. He wasn't sacked. He was only removed as GMD and appointed as Chairman of the NNPC board''

''Mumu, what's the difference between 'sack' and 'remove'? Some news sites used the word 'remove' and others used 'sack' when the news broke on the online media. I got confused along the line"

''Chineke! My golden boy Kachikwu has been replaced with a northerner again. I am hearing with one ear that Buhari wants to rename the Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation to 'Northerners' National Petroleum Corporation"

"Never! It can never work. Over my dead body. We will take to the streets and protest''

''Which yeye protest? The new NNPC board is already filled with northerners. Protests are expensive now oh! With no food in your tummy? You want to be dancing and singing under the hot sun with no energy source? Go and ask the IPOB agitators and NLC what their eyes have seen so far''

''This is serious. Where are we heading to?''

''We are heading to the past my dear. I don't blame the poor moon for going into hiding like the Abia state Chief Judge. There is crisis in the land. Let me tell you, it’s risky for the moon to show up in Nigeria or any part of the world''

''But how? Who will harm the moon?''

''The Niger Delta Avengers of course. Those boys grounded 5 major oil facilities in three days and then some extra ones yesterday, Tuesday; 5th of July despite the launch of the 'Operation Delta Safe'. They may blow up the moon to hurt Buhari''

"O boy, e don do. Thanks for filling my head with junks. I am tired of his lame discussion. Let the moon appear whenever it likes.
I will join the Christians in fasting if the moon shows up. This fasting must continue as an economic measure rather than a religious one''

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