Saturday 23 May 2015

Why we have sex

Sex, since the history of man or human evolution
has gone through several changes, even in terms of
definition and form and the individuals engaging in
it. Once upon a time, sex was thought to be
primarily for reproductive reasons, then for the
relief of sexual tension and later, for the sexual
pleasure. Right from the explosive documentation of
the Kama Sutra, various studies and experiences
have been carried out by persons and institutions to
unravel the mystery of human sexology and why,
besides procreation, sex is important to mortal men
and women.

From the researches of Alfred Kinsey who is
regarded as the father of sexology in the 40s and
50s to Masters and Johnson’s famous researches
on orgasms of the 60s and 70s, sex has become a
subject of great interest to all.
Now, a research conducted by psychologists Cindy
Meston and David Buss on why women have sex
which is published in the Archives of Sexual
Behaviour, the duo in their new book of the same
title, have listed 237 reasons why women have sex
with their partners.

Ranging from the mundane desires to experience
physical pleasure; to the vengeful intentions of
getting back at a cheating partner, the spiritual
attempt to get closer to God, or the altruistic gesture
of wanting a partner to feel good about themselves,
Meston and Buss concluded that the motives for
engaging in sexual intercourse may be larger in
number than what most people think and
psychologically complex in nature too.

Some of the reasons listed are quite glaring and
practiced across societies and persons at various
times, regardless of their marital status too. In fact,
marital sex as well as long term relationships tend
to be more complex than those in newer or non-
commitment relationships. Just as a married
woman may have a legion of reasons for not
wanting to have sex, she just might have another
gazillion on why she must have sex.
The most important and common reason being
“duty sex”. Once married, it is assumed that
providing sexual pleasure to her partner is a given.
She must fulfill her own side of the bargain to keep
the union. To some other women, it is the price for
the status and benefits. In this case, it has nothing
to do with her own sexual pleasures or preference
and more about submission, ditto the man. Many
women also believe that the more sex they have
with their partners, the less chances he is likely to

Women assume that the more sex he gets with
them, the less chances he is likely to think about
sex outside the box, much less look for it. While
good communication channel and a strong sexual
connection may have been identified as important
keys to a good relationship, hardly has having sex
with a partner on demand been known to keep a
person from straying into the thighs of another
individual. Some women also believe that sex and
children are the perfect ways to keep their men.

Women dubiously believe that the more children and
responsibility they throw at their husbands, the less
likely they are to walk away from them. So, where
they have agreed on two children, these women, on
their own volition, manipulate or “accidentally” go on
to have more children. This hardly works in some

You can only keep a man down for as long
as he wants to stay down. I intend to write more
about this complex situation in subsequent editions.
Let’s just go through some reasons I found quite
interesting in this book which I have practical
examples for:

Pity sex: Women may sometimes give in to sex for
this simple reason, after all, we are women with
maternal instincts. Some of the women in the book
confessed to have had sex with men just because
they felt sorry for them. According to one, she had
been dating a guy over two years and he had been
pleading with her all through. One day, she said she
took pity on him and agreed. However, he was out
of the door as soon as he could pull his pants up. A
similar scenario happened to one of the young girls I
She’d been dating the guy for quite some time, and
though she’d told him she was no virgin, she’d
however decided to go celibate until she was

The guy had gone on to systematically
work on her emotions and soon, broke her down.
She said the day she agreed to have sex with him,
he had prostrated flat on his stomach, swearing
heaven on earth. What kind of desperation is that?
However, what happened after the act, almost
robbed her of her education as she did not want to
return to school.
She said immediately it was over, he jumped up and
punched the air with his fist, asking if that was all
that she had to offer and that he’d had better lays.
He went on to tell her that he had only been acting
out a script and never loved her. In fact, he and a
couple of guys already placed a bet on her and
though she had tried, he had won eventually. To
make matters worse, he had ordered her out of his
She said she ran away from school and several
days was even scared to pick her calls or check the
social media as she feared that he had recorded
their activities and might post it on the internet.

Eventually, he had come to apologise but the
damage had already been done. Sex for pity’s sake
almost always turn out to leave a sour taste in the
mouth as you can never be sure of the other
person’s motives.

Have sex because you want to and not because
you feel pressured to, or are sorry for the guy. That
way, should things go sour, you can hold your head
up, look the a- – in the eye and say “f..k off, you
fall me, I fall you, no big deal!” Marriage sex: This is
very different from marital sex. This is simply sex
to negotiate for marriage. Some ladies believe that
having sex with a guy will provide them the
opportunity to show the guys and convince them
that they are good and suitable for each other.

To add insult to injury, some of these ladies are
prepared to play little housewife roles, they go over
to the guy’s apartments for chores and even wash
their dirty under wears and clothes.

Some even
cook with their own money to convince the guys
that they can support the union financially too. My
little sister gave me a gist about one of her friends
who played house help for someone she called her
fiancé for almost four years, refusing to heed
everyone’s warning.
As suspected, her generosity and selfless acts did
not succeed at the negotiation table as the guy
sprung the most unexpected surprise. He married
the daughter of his neighbour and co-tenant, the
little girl that had been calling his fiancée “aunty”
and often came to the apartment to play with her
when the guy was not around! My bet is that she
had even run errands between the lovers and had
benefited from the older lady’s generosity too.
Eventually, they both betrayed her, her goodness
did not help, neither her assumed sexual prowess.

Trade by barter sex: Just as the phrase imply, this
is when you use what you have to get what you
want. The first thing that comes to mind here is
prostitution, that age old trade of using the body for
financial benefits. The activities of the prostitution ri
ng are a multimillion dollar investment worldwide
with tentacles in drugs, violent crimes, human
trafficking and many other vices.
Interestingly, the average prostitute in many climes
no longer enjoys the liberty of dealing her wares as
a one man (sorry, woman) enterprise or sole trader
to any interested client today.

To carry on business as usual, she needs
protection and this she invests in with the proceeds
from her business as well as sex. Again, a drug
addict or junkie will exchange sex for drugs
naturally and when caught in a tight corner, many
women have been known to exchange sex for their
Negotiation sex: If the above seem rather on the
dark side, let’s bring it down to base. Many things
have been written about the power of the female
anatomy. I mean, bottom power!

Many men, both
high and lowly have been known to succumb to the
aura of this potent natural endowment. Many
women have perfected the art of using their gifts
from mother nature to get what they want through
intense manipulation and negotiation. Sex is thus
used by women to curry favour, to get jobs,
promotions, or even maintain status as the case
might be.
A friend once told me the trick she uses to get
anything she wants from her boyfriend. According
to her, he is one of those shy types who can hardly
express his thoughts or views on issues, let alone
approach women. So, he considers himself very
lucky to have found her and perhaps cannot trade
the opportunity of the occasional sex for anything.
(not yet, at least).
So, for her, most times, She engages in sex to get
him to do stuff for her. Her crude method even
involves stopping in the middle of the act to get him
to agree to her demand. And the poor thing just
crumbles like a pack of cards.
Revenge sex: This is common with women who
have been hurt and who want to get their pound of
flesh. Often, a wife might cheat on her cheating
husband just to get back at him and probably make
him feel the way she felt. It could also be to get
back at a partner who has neglected them. Again,
she might have sex to reassure herself that she is
still pretty and desirable by men after she’d been
jilted by one, or to simply walk out of an existing

Revenge sex may sometimes take a bizarre twist,
depending on motive and individual. While working
on my book, Youth, Sex and Wellbeing, I spoke with
a lady who confessed to having slept with a
boyfriend she was no longer interested in and
infected him with a STI. According to her, she’d
gone to visit on his insistence, thinking that she
would seize the opportunity to inform him of her
slight indisposition. But to her annoyance, she
caught him escorting another girl off.
And though she’d always known she was not his
only partner, seeing him that day was just too much
and she made up her mind to teach him a lesson. A
couple of years back, a National Newspaper
published the self confession of a university
undergraduate who at the brink of death, afflicted
with full blown AIDS, claimed she’d purposely
passed on the HIV virus to over 400 men. Her
grouse was not with these men but the man who’d
given her the virus and she wanted to take her
revenge out on the world.
If the men thought she was an easy lay at the time,
they definitely would have a change of heart after
reading her confession! Cindy Meston and David
Buss, aptly summarised the various motives in
these words.

“Every person brings their own
individual history to any sexual situation. The
reasons why they are having sex, the way they feel
about the sex and the consequences of having sex
are all very different across individuals no matter
what gender they happen to be”. And that includes
men too.

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